SeniorProject

I (finally) got some work done on my senior project. This thesis is going to be my pride and joy. It will be an in-depth analysis of the translation of selected poetic works in English, Spanish, and French. Though many of them will be translation of surrealist poems, I do want to work with the Romanticism movement, in particular, Byron, Shelley and Keats. Surrealist poets will probably include Garcia Lorca, Aragon, Eluard, Cesaire, Beckett, and of course Breton. One other poet included in all of this is me, as I will proudly work with some (2 i think) of my own poems.

I also will be working with 3 songs, only 2 which i've at the moment selected, Frou Frou - It's good to be in love, and Natasha Bedingfield - These words, the latter being a source of literary inspiration and the first kind of fits in with all these other poems of unrequited love, and the concept of shoulda woulda coulda...

It now has a direction and and primary sources. Time to piece together the bibliography.

La vita metropolitana

Things have become a smidge frustrating at the moment.

Citibank has been a source of constant problems. Now two months after the initial attempt at applying for the 2nd-to-last loan of my undergrad years, I am STILL attempting to finish the paper work. I have done everything in my power to get his done since December, but since i have to take into account the 2 weeks of bickering with my dad (the co-signer) and the week he needed to calm down to come to his senses, and the website being changed so drastically that my loan papers couldn't be processed, and having to do everything oldschool (Mail, fax, and phone), it's still not done! I need this money.

I have a debt that I haven't been able to pay for now 2 months... and it's not the student loans, it's my credit card debt. Calls for collection, and notices in the mail, about something I financially cannot do at the moment: pay them...


I want to leave my job. I love Papyrus, I enjoy my coworkers, however I hate the fact that I'm trapped in a store inside a busy NY landmark... Nor am I a fanatic of the commute. It's been really unsatisfying to be there. I've begged to get transferred out of the store, and now a month later, I am still there, in the same place. I have such a strong sense of apathy towards the establishment, that I do my job, and I fuck around... to every degree possible. The office has become a haven for druggery, where I toke up and then crack out on Red Bull. This state of chemical limbo seems to get me through these shifts. Well that, and the company of Magan in particular that make it not seem so bad that I lack the formidable social life which i was so accustomed to.

I don't see my friends. I don't see anyone. I spend most of my time at work, in class, on a train, or in the car, so it doesn't really allow much time for social interactions. I make what little time I can to see people. I see the boys of 12-2 whenever possible (son mis rocas), and anyone else i can have the pleasure to encounter.

I have a 40 page thesis due by May... What have I done for it so far? Not much exept reading my sources, and scribbling notes about them in notebooks. But physically as far as a paper goes... there's nothing done.

I've had an itch to write. Not this, not these rants from an unhappy person. I want really write, something epic, something full of passion, something I love. I would think that this chaos would spark some type of emotive text, but since his dismissal, I haven't had much to write about. That's the sad truth about literature: what provokes some of the greatest works is unrequited love... and maybe I just need to find another guy who could care less about me to be my muse...

I'm tired... of a lot of things... the monochrome apparel, the reality of being in transit (all the time), and having to feign compassion/understanding/sympathy for anyone I encounter while in New York.


I barely sleep. Aun sea es porque estoy TAN occupado, y no por alguien como antes...

Blah....

New years

It's the new year. Finally. This year was a mess, and things need to left behind in 08.

The boys, the apartment, the anxiety of trying to do things for myself.

What happened?

How come I let so much crawl under my skin? All i can think about is how i texted Brenton... in the middle of a warehouse in Brooklyn. Party aside, something was just bottled up inside, that needed to exit before the ball dropped. I don't feel comfortable writing his name, because of what it reminds me of... I guess I thought things were going to go my way. I was wrong, but with most things of this nature, you grow and learn from it.

I'm starting 2009 on my own, and that's fine. (I failed to find someone special). I've grown accustomed to being my support system. With a little help from my friend's maybe this year will be something great, something memorable. That isn't to say that 2008 was a total disaster, there were many memories that made me happy, honestly. :) There's still a feeling of dissatisfaction, but it shouldn't overshadow those good moments: being able to live on my own, even if just for a bit, making shit happen in the city, fun times with the boys of 12-2 and the girls of crown heights, even the moments with the boys..., even my monkey (even if he's no longer mine).

The party was amazing. Carlee, Bess, Kelly, and myself went to the warehouse district of Bushwick to hit up a party there. 4 floors of fun: 1 floor for the DJ, another for the bands, and the other 2 where just for more partying. A recollection of the events after midnight's fall is almost impossible, but I do remember getting puked on... and it dribbling into my boots haha. Bess was wasted and made a mess. It was messy.

Cheers to 2009, and to all that it can bring to me.

Merry Crimas

The Wantagh Parkway on X-mas Eve....

Hella creepy, but someone had to drop off their godmother in Long Beach.... and pick up a 'special gift' for himself...

Put that to good use to ;)

Ring-leader bitch

I have to give it to her, she's come out with another formidable album (formidable in the sense that there ARE good songs, but the majority just lure the listener in b/c of how catchy they are). In any case, "out from under" seems to be the song that speaks to me the most.

The snow, the winter, and just how things have been make me really want to go out for a brisk walk in Central Park tomorrow. I will do that, to make me feel better about how empty at times things seem, and to prove how fulfilling something as simple as a promenade can be. Time to lift my spirit and keep drinking.

I don’t wanna dream about
All the things that never were
Maybe I can live without
When I’m out from under
I don’t wanna feel the pain
What good would it do me now
I’ll get it all figured out
When I’m out from under

So let me go
Just let me fly away
Let me feel the space between us growing deeper
And much darker every day
Watch me now and I’ll be someone new
My heart will be unbroken
It will open up for everyone but you
Even when I cross the line
It's like a lie I’ve told a thousand times

Yo soy un Gitano Metropolitano

bed-ridden

The stars,
The little oracles that foresaw the devastation of the day you would no longer be there,
Gave me a clean pillow to dream.
To remember of anything aside from the collapse of the intercontinental bridge,
That we wore down crossing.
My guardians offered this comfort in hopes that this slumber would break the bed
Worse than what you broke.
Whispers warned of your destructive nature and
Their stellar energy blocked the fragments of this shattered dream.
So this fantastic vessel will move forth,
To the sanctuary.

Egg what??

I love how everything pertains to breakfast in my life... ah

and hardboiled is legit the worst

homeward bound

My refuge. It's time to go back, for the Thanksgiving holiday, and two weeks after, for a while longer.

The dream is dead. The Island is my home, my refuge.

Even though Washington Heights has been everything that I hoped for... It's time to go. This environment, this home, is anything but welcoming now.

Yo soy una persona tolerable y tolerante... en este caso, jamas. Ya no puedo soportar estas porqueridas...

"you were never dead to me... i just had to find something even more dead in Manhattan to know what you are"

I have a score to settle with Manhattan... Brooklyn-bound? peut-etre.

Drastic Fantastic

That's what it's going to have to be. This will be part of a story worthy of telling. This is one of those defining moments. It wasn't set up to be like this, but I'll take this opportunity to really make a point about myself.

I'll suffer a little bit, but let's face it, I can do anything with a little help from my friends. This will be the first bridge I'll have to burn, but there remain so many others.

This is what you want, this is what you'll get. Under my terms, with my departure.

Now it's a matter of finalizing. I have the will to leave a neighborhood that I've come to love, but I'm going to make it happen, here, in New York. Washington Heights has been great to me, and yet the reason I'm even contemplating departing is because of this home.

Something else that i could have just figured out without looking. Mi monito me ha olvidado, porque ya estoy seguro que se encontro alguien mas. Te recuerdas de mi? Probablamente no. Y esta bien. Ya no siento nada. Ya ni ha tratado... Pues, continuo mi buscueda

masturbation

Self love at its finest.

just like in family guy...

as stated by Peter Griffin... "...loves it more than Julia Roberts loves herself"

haha

as told by ginger...

Something fantastic has happened... I'm in a relationship with the greatest guy ever...

He got me this....
... a sole ginger flower. Spicy, tangy and full of color....

I'm grateful that I found this flower to give to myself... since it's been slim pickings with men. I think that a solid and healthy relationship with MYSELF will be all that I need in order to get through another cold winter.

Little rocket in the sky

Random techno song that always put me in a good mood. It's well needed, I've been quite lethargic and apathetic.

I can't seem to get out of this rut.

Washington Heights

My new home. It's now 3 months into living in this neighborhood. I love it. C'est tout que j'imaginerai, et tout que je voudrais. I finally went down to Coogan's (this bar and grill on Bway and 168th) for dinner tonight. It's the type of place that just reminds me of LI and my routines and habits: Getting food in good company in a cool restaurant, with a bunch of drunkards in the background going at it on the kareoke machine.

I've been doing a good job of living for me. I think after a week of bullshit and sloth, I put my life into perspective once again and I think I'll do fine with things. It's a shame that for me to become less apathetic towards school, I had to resort to a gruesome all-nighter with Brent, Jurell, and Lara, and of course the everso amusing power-half-an-hour. Binging on Amps and weed, put things in a different light... and well I think I just gotta keep at it.

On a different note, the ghosts have returned once again, but I welcome them this time. Their dispart will not concern me no more, but their arrival will not be taken as lightly as before... Qu'est-ce je devrais faire?

:)

Tegan and Sara were amazing in concert. If you haven't seen them before, you should.

They are great musicians, and extremely endearing on stage.

Meg Caitlin and myself went to the show after an afternoon of sketch-shopping on Canal st. for handbags. Haha, we were literally in the back of a van looking through bags. I had to take a break though from the bag hunt, and had to trek all over SoHo to find a starbucks... which surprisingly was hard to find... but only b/c i took the most bumbfucky route to get to it. In any case, We met some great eccentrics selling jewelry off of spring st. and I saw Tyson Beckford in front of the Tommy Hilfiger store in SoHo. Woot Woot!

I'm still here. I still wait. I still wonder.

...but you're losing me.

I'm flustered. I'm freezing up. I'm cloudy.

I miss you...

I want to be with you, but it's becoming clearer that it's something that only I still see. I don't know what to do with you, but I think i need to back off a bit... for my sanity. For fear that I may not be able to keep going if I stand here waiting for you.

Metropolitan Nomad

Continuing with this trend of being a modern-day wanderer. I've been frequenting Westchester and Long Island a lot. Class has become stressful, and as a result, I end up spending more time on campus. Partly because of the work, but mostly because of the relief i get from being around people i like and some minor amounts of substances to take the mind off of the day.

Between class and work, I'm always exhausted and have been to preoccupied to think. This weekend was a change of pace, since I was off for the majority of the weekend. I had to wander to Long Island and then to Westchester all within the span of a day and a half. I got to see Tran on Sunday. We went out to get coffee, and had out readings done by a spastic guy with tarot cards at the table behind us. He was strange, and vague in the readings... though he mentioned that he'd only just begun to memorize them. Meh...

Um. This was also the weekend that I had to say bye to Rachel. 13 years of knowing this chick, and she's leaving for North Carolina at the end of this week. Strange girl she is, but we have history. Myself, Roy and Rachel went out for a simple Goodbye meal. Well for Roy and I that meant getting drinks at Grand Lux Cafe. She ate, we drank, it was so.... us. She was a little sentimental, but the Big Red enjoyed herself. We were so loud, in typical fashion. Now we're less one crazy bitch on this Island... This is really the end of an era.

The funny thing is, I got together with the Lags Saturday night, and we were quite nostalgic about Warwick Road. The street which I've lived on all these years was a gathering spot for about 2 years, were everyone would drop by and hang out. Either on the street at my house, but we were always there at night. We had some tight-knit bounds, and stories that defined us 8. But it all unraveled... and now the 8 of us have become scattered chains; only connected by vaguely remembered amistades. Mike brought up Utada, which like Rachel, you had to have been there to truely understand the meaning of that. We sat there in the garage, us 3, the remnants of what was about 4 years ago. We joked of how it's both amazing and a little sad that us three are what's still left of that, and that we can hope for that to be the case in another 4.

It was definitly a week of remenising. I got to see my monkey last night. It was brief, but i was glad to see him. It put my mind at ease. I've become such a worrywart. I need to chill out and not give so much importance to things. I really like this one.

Woo!

Um... well it's that time of the year, when last years phone gets all fucked up, and it's time to get a new one.

It's one of my favorite autumnal rituals, and considering the fact that i trashed my stainless steel razor, I think it's safe to say that it was overdue.

So as a rash desicion, I'm getting the iphone... it's a practical and convenient manouver considering that my itouch isn't looking any better these days.

WooHoo to getting rid of these 2 devices!

New number coming soon

Oh, which reminds me, the whole reason for this treat is b/c my 3000 dollar check clears tomorrow at 9am... and i get paid on friday, so there's no guilt for buying something i 'need'

...

Geeze, this is all very exhausting. I can't remember another time where I've felt tired so continually. I barely get a chance to sit put and relax. I'm working hardcore, I'm always up in White Plains for class, and have been longing for a day where i can just sit and truly enjoy myself from wake up until sleep time.

These matters have all exhausted me physically, and yet all i can seem to worry about is how mentally drained I am. I have to present my basis for my senior project next thursday, and right now i have zilch... just some minimal ideas on how i can tie France/French culture to me. I'll have time to contemplate that. Another thing is this boy. I'm stuck by him... I am the moth to his flame. I'm entranced by him and yet there's this feeling within about us which leads me to beleive that there is a lack of mutuality in regards to this feeling.

I miss the warm days of July, and the breezy conversations that I looked forward to. Now with Autumn begining, this climate change has correlated with the harsh gusts that frequent me, blowing me out of his periferals.

I'm at a loss for words... I've layed down everything i can to show him how i feel... yet, i don't think it's working.

All i can do is keep trying. I just dont want winter to come by and turn me frigid once again... winter 05/06 wasn't good to me and i'm still recovering from that to some extent...

Seas mio