Me, I'm a creator

After a very long dispute with my father about certain financial matters and personal ones, I have come to a rash decision in order to try to maintain what little of a relationship i have with him in tact: I'm moving out for the month of August. As of right now the plan is to spend the month of August getting my self established in Manhattan. It's been my plan, but it's taken me almost 2 years to act on it.

With the help of Jimmy (who's providing me with shelter during this time) I really hope to make it work. I'm aiming to find a job. I'm aiming to make this work.

If all goes well, I intend on renouncing my housing plan at Purchase, which would be beneficial since I only have class 2 days a week and need to invest more time into financing myself.

I want to kill (or at least begin to lower) the massive personal debt i have accumulated by the end of this year. I want to get my own space.

These are my intents.

Hielo

When does my life begin to take the shape that I want it to? When did i become so obsessed over the reaction that people get from me. Whether it be of lust or despise, I seem to compromise my own values because I've become submissive to the judgment. I shouldn't care, and i never have... but I do. I do because I'm lonely. My motives are merely a gesture out of desperation to relinquish the solitude I feel.

Do you want me, or are you just toying? Do you need me, or is it something that you simply say to gain the appeal of another? I worry, because I let you in, and you baffle me. The concern has risen because of the distance. I wish I could do something about that aside from waiting. Waiting on the moment that I cross bridges and rivers and am near you once again.

I have to stop waiting. Something needs to happen. For me, for you, for us. I don't know what I can do. I can't let THIS fade. I fear of that because this is the warmth that has melted my icy nature. The frigidness has receded much like the glaciers from long ago, yet their breath still I still inhale, hoping to return to my stoic ways. To let the cold take me over, consume me, allow me to be the one with the unmoved mentality. Sessile like the glaciers. No. bring this Ice age to an end, be the excess that melts away at me, and floods my being.

CNN has a special on African Americans and the hardships they face. It's a two day special, tonight's being the first (on the lives of black women and families) and tomorrow's is on black men.

check it.

CNN-Black In America

Hopping around

So this weekend was all about catching people, and being anywhere but the Meadow. Friday was a great day spent at the beach with some Purchase peeps: Jared and Jess, and we met up with Roy briefly to roast in the sun and get tossed around by the waves. I think I've hit the highpoint of my tanning, and am incapable of getting any darker.

Saturday was dedicated to Sirenfest in Coney Island. Mike, Alex and myself headed down there to catch some good bands and a lot of randomness. Ran into some old co-workers from the Aber days, and some more Purchase peeps (Maria & Evan to be exact). Through the span of the day I was hit on by about 4 different guys.... all not my type. One to go as far as to mouth really awkward statements towards me on line for the port-a-potty. But the best had to have been the DL thug walking with his homies, giving me lips, lifting his shirt to reveal a nice six-pack and then clearly checking out my ass (something which I hadn't been aware of until Mike brought it to my attention). There were some sick break-dancers by the aquarium, and a merengue band by the pier, both which seemed to grab our attentions more than any Indie band ever could. Broken Social Scene was the act that the three of us looked forward to all day, and they delivered. Then it was off to Westchester county to hang out with Brenton for the first time in a LONG time. I was excited as ever to have some drinks with him and Lauren. Il me fait heureux, et la nuite fui amusent et tout que j'ai espéré. It was a little sad to leave the next morning. But we each had our own things to tend to.

Mine was to hit up Summerstage for the second time. I met up with Kat and soon after with Jimmy and the three of us did what any broke New Yorker does in excessive heat... go to Starbucks haha. We got our drinks and headed towards the venue. This time Santogold was the main attraction. She was amazing. However, the excessive humidity and the large amount of people in the venue made it a very undesirable place to be on Sunday. Diplo and A-Trak alternated mixing it up for the crowd and for the life of me i cannot remember much of Kid Cudi or Blaqstarr and Mz Streamz... mostly because it was a lot of on-stage dancing and chanting. It probably doesn't help that we were looking for the Purchase people that I barely saw at Sirenfest, and that the heat and our broke-asses resorted to getting water and tea at a nearby starbucks, giving up our spots within the venue. So upon return from Starbucks (a hydrating salvation), we were unable to get back in and sat nearby where the show was still visible and completely audible. She was great. She played what I wanted to hear, and as we were people watching during her performance, Kat, Jimmy and I couldn't help but to wonder about how so many horrid people were walking around the park and how deeply it contrasts with the fashionable and beautiful people that walked/ran/rode along the same path. I came to the conclusion that I'm in love with trendy black women, Santogold being one of them, lol. (picture bummed off Maria)

:(

So... kind of addicted to America's Best Dance Crew... and was kinda sad that ASSID left. They were gifted, and were eliminated. It's too bad too, b/c i thought Joey was kind of cute on top of everything, and it was quite amazing that he was able to dance cohesively with the rest of the crew despite being deaf.

Ni Freud ni tu mamá

"Sácame del aire
No puedo respirar
Somos diferentes
Necesito un break
O baby.

No me lo puedes dar
Hablar de ti me pone mal
Nunca fui Freud, ni tampoco tu mamá
No te puedo cambiar
Ni hacerte madurar.

Lo hago por mí, yo soy así
Ya lo intenté
Disculpa, no hay culpa
Hazlo por ti, por no fingir
Disculpa, no hay culpa.

Es un adiós, no puedo más
Disculpa, no hay culpa
Se terminó, no pudo ser
No hay culpa, never.

Sigo mis instintos
No me busques más
No más estrategias
Conmigo no va
No quiero ser un capricho más.

Lo cierto es que no hay espera
Porque la vida en un segundo se va
No te puedo cambiar
Ni hacerte madurar.

Hay amores que destruyen
Lo que somos, lo que fuimos
Y no lo puedes cambiar.

You are hot, I forgot

Olvida todo lo pasado
La pasión, los besos dados
Se fue tu oportunidad.

You are hot, I forgot."

Belinda, tu lo saves. It's time for some change. El cambio se provoca.

Random update

Well, it was a no-go with the vending... long story short, my brother's an inconsiderate prick and proved to me that regardless of what I need to do to make my life work, it will never be as important as even the most minute task in his day in his eyes...

So the job hunt continues. As to prevent myself from falling into further destitution, I'm going to an Urban Outfitters interview on Tuesday. I want to be optimistic and hope to get a job for the remainder of the summer... but considering how the hunt has gone, it seems pretty bleak. Think positive.

Um, "I'm on a never-ending quest to find a boyfriend" (Drawn Together). I hate how that sounds. I'm not desperate, i'm lonely (there's a clear distinction). There's such a great appeal of having someone whom you can depend on, much in the same way you hope for them to depend on you. I'm also looking for a human pillow that i can just lie on for hours. It's funny, because people are unaccustomed to hearing me be all mushy, and to be honest, I may be a toughie, but I'm such a softy. I'm getting closer to finding him (I think). Il a besoin plus de temps.

Today marked he day that Snake K. left my care. She went home with Evelyn this morning. I was sad... she was the greatest silent company a person could ask for. So exotic, yet so docile. I'm really going to consider getting a snake of my own.

After Snake's departure, I left with diligence to the train station to meet up with Mark & Eric in Jamaica. Our mission: to rendez-vous and head to Staten Island to hit up an abandoned hospital facility. It was creepy. I'll make use of my flickr account, and post them on there. It was good to see some of the Purchase crowd today. We partook in one of our favorite activities and went to Chili's before catching Hellboy II: The Golden Army... I'm not too sure how i felt about it, but it was entertaining. Guillermo del Toro managed to salvage the Hellboy franchise a bit, by using his styling in creating the mythical creatures that appear in the film. Though the film fiddled with all sorts of emotions, I wish it had been less engulfed by adding some silly humor in it to detract from the well thought out fighting sequences.

French-English

je ne suis pas pensée après coup... il y a une probleme si est ton forme du pensement. Je ne comprends pas, pouvez-vous m'expliquer? J'aimerais beaucoup si tout était clair.

No es para una persona específica, solo un sentimiento que tengo a causa de hoy...

Heads up.

If you know what's up, Central Park's SummerStage is what's up. This weekend on Saturday, Julieta Venegas is going to be performing along with Plastilina Mosh and DJ Bitman. That should prove to be fairly amusing.

Now if you really matter, you'll meet me up on the 2oth to see Santogold, DJ A-trak, Diplo, and Kid Cudi. That's gonna be gangsta-bitch. Lemme know if you plan on going and wanna meet up.

If you like the sound of that, and curious to see what else is going to be popping during the remainder of the summer, check it:

Summer Stage

besos putos ;)

Go fig...

I hate Tila Tequila... yet we share something in common. That's sad... and it's not her affinity for girls. We'll leave it at that.

Proud??

I failed to mention that I went to Pride last week with Roy... The village and Chelsea were definitely proud... and black. Tell me why the only time you see gay black guys is during pride... That's so strange b/c they as a group tend to be the most closeted (I would know, i DID hook up with a few closeted ones) and funny enough some can't even do a good job of being stealth and still claim straight.
On the plus side, i DID get hit on by one of the sexiest men ever that night, only to be shot down immediately. "You're too young for me" he said, he was hot he was Asian (a rarity already), which i suppose is fine b/c that means he might have been older than what I'd figure.
I love that the least appealing part of the evening was running into a bunch of Roy's friends, who were excessively queeny, black, and loud haha.

Anyway. I'm still without job (doesn't that figure) but at least I have other things going on right now. I'm supposed to be snake-sitting for Evelyn, and also found a random post on craigslist to be one of those food-vending people. We'll see how that goes

l'été