Alienated

Don't care much for Keri Hilson, but upon listening to this song, it brought back memories of shit that had started off right around now, last year. How creepy. How alienated.

You're the reason I don't change my number
Don't you know it's still the same
And I bet you remember that summer
When we kicked it everyday
Don't know how it happened, just happened
Kinda like we faded away
And I feel so alienated, don't you feel so alienated

I miss you and I want you back
I lost your signal, Where you at?
And I don't know how we lost contact
Where did you go? I'm searching for you
Can't get you outta my system
Outta my system, Outta my system
Can't get you outta my system
Outta my system, Outta my system
Can't get you outta my system
Outta my system, Outta my system
Where did you go? I'm searching for you

had this been 6 months ago, it would be relevant, but now a year after the matter, he doesn't really mean much to me, at least no more than a memory would; something that you recall for inspiration.

this is no briget jones

...and tonight I just realized why I feel awkward in the gay community: gay guys suck, and Im not talking about fellatio. I have few gay friends and can't even manage to find a worthwhile guy, and sitting in the car with my new buddy and listening to his gay drama, I'm kind of relieved. Maybe death in relationship solitude won't be so bad if I avoid the drama and bullshit. "if this is a rom-com, kill the director.'

Optimistic pessimism

I can't believe it. I'm getting better at being optimistic. I have goals!

I intend on saving up now to move to Washington DC within the year. I hope to find a job translating books or roughing it interpreting. This is all so that I can travel, so I can find a new land to call home. Tenho meus olhos em Brasil. São Paolo, aqui venho eu!

Peut-être au France.

But with this optimism, I can't seem to prevent myself from being pessimistic about romance. I feel something for someone, but there are things that are making it clear that this may be a one-sided sensation. I want to say something to him. But past experiences prevent the words from being spoken.

Qu'est que je devrais faire avec lui?

as told by ginger...

Something fantastic has happened... I'm in a relationship with the greatest guy ever...

He got me this....
... a sole ginger flower. Spicy, tangy and full of color....

I'm grateful that I found this flower to give to myself... since it's been slim pickings with men. I think that a solid and healthy relationship with MYSELF will be all that I need in order to get through another cold winter.

I'm still here. I still wait. I still wonder.

...but you're losing me.

I'm flustered. I'm freezing up. I'm cloudy.

I miss you...

I want to be with you, but it's becoming clearer that it's something that only I still see. I don't know what to do with you, but I think i need to back off a bit... for my sanity. For fear that I may not be able to keep going if I stand here waiting for you.

Metropolitan Nomad

Continuing with this trend of being a modern-day wanderer. I've been frequenting Westchester and Long Island a lot. Class has become stressful, and as a result, I end up spending more time on campus. Partly because of the work, but mostly because of the relief i get from being around people i like and some minor amounts of substances to take the mind off of the day.

Between class and work, I'm always exhausted and have been to preoccupied to think. This weekend was a change of pace, since I was off for the majority of the weekend. I had to wander to Long Island and then to Westchester all within the span of a day and a half. I got to see Tran on Sunday. We went out to get coffee, and had out readings done by a spastic guy with tarot cards at the table behind us. He was strange, and vague in the readings... though he mentioned that he'd only just begun to memorize them. Meh...

Um. This was also the weekend that I had to say bye to Rachel. 13 years of knowing this chick, and she's leaving for North Carolina at the end of this week. Strange girl she is, but we have history. Myself, Roy and Rachel went out for a simple Goodbye meal. Well for Roy and I that meant getting drinks at Grand Lux Cafe. She ate, we drank, it was so.... us. She was a little sentimental, but the Big Red enjoyed herself. We were so loud, in typical fashion. Now we're less one crazy bitch on this Island... This is really the end of an era.

The funny thing is, I got together with the Lags Saturday night, and we were quite nostalgic about Warwick Road. The street which I've lived on all these years was a gathering spot for about 2 years, were everyone would drop by and hang out. Either on the street at my house, but we were always there at night. We had some tight-knit bounds, and stories that defined us 8. But it all unraveled... and now the 8 of us have become scattered chains; only connected by vaguely remembered amistades. Mike brought up Utada, which like Rachel, you had to have been there to truely understand the meaning of that. We sat there in the garage, us 3, the remnants of what was about 4 years ago. We joked of how it's both amazing and a little sad that us three are what's still left of that, and that we can hope for that to be the case in another 4.

It was definitly a week of remenising. I got to see my monkey last night. It was brief, but i was glad to see him. It put my mind at ease. I've become such a worrywart. I need to chill out and not give so much importance to things. I really like this one.

...

Geeze, this is all very exhausting. I can't remember another time where I've felt tired so continually. I barely get a chance to sit put and relax. I'm working hardcore, I'm always up in White Plains for class, and have been longing for a day where i can just sit and truly enjoy myself from wake up until sleep time.

These matters have all exhausted me physically, and yet all i can seem to worry about is how mentally drained I am. I have to present my basis for my senior project next thursday, and right now i have zilch... just some minimal ideas on how i can tie France/French culture to me. I'll have time to contemplate that. Another thing is this boy. I'm stuck by him... I am the moth to his flame. I'm entranced by him and yet there's this feeling within about us which leads me to beleive that there is a lack of mutuality in regards to this feeling.

I miss the warm days of July, and the breezy conversations that I looked forward to. Now with Autumn begining, this climate change has correlated with the harsh gusts that frequent me, blowing me out of his periferals.

I'm at a loss for words... I've layed down everything i can to show him how i feel... yet, i don't think it's working.

All i can do is keep trying. I just dont want winter to come by and turn me frigid once again... winter 05/06 wasn't good to me and i'm still recovering from that to some extent...

Seas mio

....

Continuo buscando.... Me siento perdido. Trato de buscar a alguien que me quiere, pero no ha tenido suerte.

Creo que es yo. Soy una persona interesante, soy bello (algo que me tomo tanto tiempo para realisar), y trato.

I've just been disappointed time and time again.... and I tried. I open up only to have boys slam their door on me. All this questioning, something so out of nature for someone who has built up so much confidence, is exhausting.

I thought I found him, I think was wrong. I thought maybe I should try harder, I think I may have scared him away. ...and it's ok, I just wish to find someone for me. I'm good on my own, but I'd be so much better with someone. I'm tired of standing on my own. I want someone who can lean on me when they need to, just as i hope i can with then in my time of need.

It's one of the few times where I'll admit to tears developing. It's just saddening to me that I've been searching, trying to find him.

It'll get better in time.

brr

"I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
Id love you to love me.
I'm beggin' you to beg me."

j'ai dors dans le plus froid lit hier soir... Je suis dégoûté avec moi même. Qu'est ce que j'attend? Je pensait qu'il a senti quelque chose pour moi. J'avais tort. C'est ma faut... Je m'inquiète beaucoup.

to be

I'm excited. With less than a day away from my transition to Manhattan, I seem to be anxious and restless. I can't wait to see what opportunities are waiting for me.

On a slightly different note, I'm glad to know that he feels the same way. I worried that it'd be a one-sided sensation. I'm glad that i was proven wrong. Espero por el dia que finalmente podramos estar juntos; contentos y satisfechos. Sera, y sera pronto.

Hielo

When does my life begin to take the shape that I want it to? When did i become so obsessed over the reaction that people get from me. Whether it be of lust or despise, I seem to compromise my own values because I've become submissive to the judgment. I shouldn't care, and i never have... but I do. I do because I'm lonely. My motives are merely a gesture out of desperation to relinquish the solitude I feel.

Do you want me, or are you just toying? Do you need me, or is it something that you simply say to gain the appeal of another? I worry, because I let you in, and you baffle me. The concern has risen because of the distance. I wish I could do something about that aside from waiting. Waiting on the moment that I cross bridges and rivers and am near you once again.

I have to stop waiting. Something needs to happen. For me, for you, for us. I don't know what I can do. I can't let THIS fade. I fear of that because this is the warmth that has melted my icy nature. The frigidness has receded much like the glaciers from long ago, yet their breath still I still inhale, hoping to return to my stoic ways. To let the cold take me over, consume me, allow me to be the one with the unmoved mentality. Sessile like the glaciers. No. bring this Ice age to an end, be the excess that melts away at me, and floods my being.

Hopping around

So this weekend was all about catching people, and being anywhere but the Meadow. Friday was a great day spent at the beach with some Purchase peeps: Jared and Jess, and we met up with Roy briefly to roast in the sun and get tossed around by the waves. I think I've hit the highpoint of my tanning, and am incapable of getting any darker.

Saturday was dedicated to Sirenfest in Coney Island. Mike, Alex and myself headed down there to catch some good bands and a lot of randomness. Ran into some old co-workers from the Aber days, and some more Purchase peeps (Maria & Evan to be exact). Through the span of the day I was hit on by about 4 different guys.... all not my type. One to go as far as to mouth really awkward statements towards me on line for the port-a-potty. But the best had to have been the DL thug walking with his homies, giving me lips, lifting his shirt to reveal a nice six-pack and then clearly checking out my ass (something which I hadn't been aware of until Mike brought it to my attention). There were some sick break-dancers by the aquarium, and a merengue band by the pier, both which seemed to grab our attentions more than any Indie band ever could. Broken Social Scene was the act that the three of us looked forward to all day, and they delivered. Then it was off to Westchester county to hang out with Brenton for the first time in a LONG time. I was excited as ever to have some drinks with him and Lauren. Il me fait heureux, et la nuite fui amusent et tout que j'ai espéré. It was a little sad to leave the next morning. But we each had our own things to tend to.

Mine was to hit up Summerstage for the second time. I met up with Kat and soon after with Jimmy and the three of us did what any broke New Yorker does in excessive heat... go to Starbucks haha. We got our drinks and headed towards the venue. This time Santogold was the main attraction. She was amazing. However, the excessive humidity and the large amount of people in the venue made it a very undesirable place to be on Sunday. Diplo and A-Trak alternated mixing it up for the crowd and for the life of me i cannot remember much of Kid Cudi or Blaqstarr and Mz Streamz... mostly because it was a lot of on-stage dancing and chanting. It probably doesn't help that we were looking for the Purchase people that I barely saw at Sirenfest, and that the heat and our broke-asses resorted to getting water and tea at a nearby starbucks, giving up our spots within the venue. So upon return from Starbucks (a hydrating salvation), we were unable to get back in and sat nearby where the show was still visible and completely audible. She was great. She played what I wanted to hear, and as we were people watching during her performance, Kat, Jimmy and I couldn't help but to wonder about how so many horrid people were walking around the park and how deeply it contrasts with the fashionable and beautiful people that walked/ran/rode along the same path. I came to the conclusion that I'm in love with trendy black women, Santogold being one of them, lol. (picture bummed off Maria)

Random update

Well, it was a no-go with the vending... long story short, my brother's an inconsiderate prick and proved to me that regardless of what I need to do to make my life work, it will never be as important as even the most minute task in his day in his eyes...

So the job hunt continues. As to prevent myself from falling into further destitution, I'm going to an Urban Outfitters interview on Tuesday. I want to be optimistic and hope to get a job for the remainder of the summer... but considering how the hunt has gone, it seems pretty bleak. Think positive.

Um, "I'm on a never-ending quest to find a boyfriend" (Drawn Together). I hate how that sounds. I'm not desperate, i'm lonely (there's a clear distinction). There's such a great appeal of having someone whom you can depend on, much in the same way you hope for them to depend on you. I'm also looking for a human pillow that i can just lie on for hours. It's funny, because people are unaccustomed to hearing me be all mushy, and to be honest, I may be a toughie, but I'm such a softy. I'm getting closer to finding him (I think). Il a besoin plus de temps.

Today marked he day that Snake K. left my care. She went home with Evelyn this morning. I was sad... she was the greatest silent company a person could ask for. So exotic, yet so docile. I'm really going to consider getting a snake of my own.

After Snake's departure, I left with diligence to the train station to meet up with Mark & Eric in Jamaica. Our mission: to rendez-vous and head to Staten Island to hit up an abandoned hospital facility. It was creepy. I'll make use of my flickr account, and post them on there. It was good to see some of the Purchase crowd today. We partook in one of our favorite activities and went to Chili's before catching Hellboy II: The Golden Army... I'm not too sure how i felt about it, but it was entertaining. Guillermo del Toro managed to salvage the Hellboy franchise a bit, by using his styling in creating the mythical creatures that appear in the film. Though the film fiddled with all sorts of emotions, I wish it had been less engulfed by adding some silly humor in it to detract from the well thought out fighting sequences.